November= Blah

Posted by S. , Sunday, November 13, 2011 4:42 PM

November is a month that I really honestly wish we could fast forward through. Grey, bleak, devoid of any qualities, really. Depressing one could even say, especially when coupled with the smell of hospitals, as is my life these days.

I had a chance to return to my old love-hate relationship, the North, in January, which I turned down. But, I must admit, it almost pushed me back into my old nomadic ways, significantly less than 6 months after making the major decision to attempt to be sedentary for at least a year.

I miss the coming and going, the flights, the airport, the being different from everyone else, the feeling of living something a tiny bit extraordinary on a daily basis, no matter how boring or mundane life in the North can be certain months of the year. I miss being able to live on my own, but have everyone I socialize with within walking distance. I am, by all means, bored and lonely, just in a different way than I was in James Bay. This one is more November-y, less exciting. Likely a consequence of my here-and-there last 10 years.

I really should invest in a roommate, financially and sanity-wise (Kito, despite all his qualities and companionship, doesn't speak English nor does he foot any of the bills or chip in for rent. The puppy is, essentially, a touch of a freeloader). Sidebar: I will start posting on Kito's Adventures and Mis-Adventures soon, as they tend to occur quasi-frequently these days.

So why DID I decide to turn down Mistissini to take a fairly-crappy position, and live here in Laval?
Partially fear. Fear of the consequences of leaving for another year.
Partially it had been a wonderful/horrible too fast/too long year, and I wasn't quite ready to commit to another    
roller coaster of a year (dear 2011: you have not been kind 3/4 of the time. Please tell 2012 to be more       kind).
Partially to do my M.Ed, which seems increasingly un-important to me.
Partially to score a better job for 2012-13.
Partially because I felt something when I came down for Goose Break, that I thought had the potential to be something. It ended up with me getting hurt and confused, as is the norm. Despite assurances that it wouldn't.
Partially because I didn't understand the consequences of leaving for a year.

I thought I saw a sign
Somewhere bewteen the lines
Or maybe it's me, maybe I only see what I want

I'm feeling Novembery, and a touch discouraged.