Nighttime Mountaintop thoughts

Posted by S. , Monday, December 20, 2010 9:12 PM

I forgot how skiing truly is my catharsis. Moments of pure bliss, mixed in with some adrenaline and some rather humourous moments.

It was when I was skiing down a trail that it hit me: I'm home for 3 weeks, in my old (real?) life. How easy it would be to just stay here, and keep last winter's status quo and continue on like this until the snow melts this spring. And yet... part of the homesickness I felt this November is more of a... longing for the way things were. And when I found myself back the way they were, I realized: I'm ready to move on the next step in life. If that means waiting a little longer to come home, once the next stage is started, I'm OK with it.

The reason I became so obsessed with skiing a few years ago is because that's when I became a bit of a fear junkie. I fell hard, I quit for years. Winter got to me, psychologically, worse and worse every year. So, I decided to turn a flaw, a weak point into a positive one. And I learned that facing fear head on is kinda fun. That's who I am. I learned to be more calm, more zen, more mature this past year. It was, all in all, a crap year with a lot of emotional things happening, friend, school, etc-wise. And I got through it calmly with no total breakdowns, no nuclear blowups, no Gossip Girl style revenge. I took something that used to terrify me, make me break down in tears in fear on the slopes, make me want to throw my skis into the woods into something I love, and am good at. I can do that with anything, given a proper reason to.

And so... now I find myself in a situation. Anyone that really, truly knows me knows two things. 1- If I get dramatic and go nuclear, it's because I'm hurt in a way where the heart is involved. and 2- my heart rarely gets involved. I've fallen in love a grand total of once. One time, one person, a few years ago, that I would calculate into my life plans. It was not, for a variety of reasons, reciprocated. I got over it.

 I got over a lot lately. Fear of rejection, I dealt with this fall. I'm able to say: yes, I have feelings for someone. No, I was not entirely sure they were reciprocated. Yes, I'm able to admit that was a determining factor in my decision to return to James Bay after Xmas until June. No, I am not sure that the person in question calculated me in the same way. Nor am I asked them to do so, in making a decision.
All I'm asking for is understanding. To understand the above 2 points and not judge too harshly. Not necessarily to believe the best, but to not believe the worst. It's amazing how a few runs down the mountain clears the brain. If only there was a ski hill near Waskaganish....

Time for a bubble bath. Tomorrow: snowboarding!
My knee is holding up fabulously. There were no clicking sounds at all when skiing tonight.
Tomorrow is solstice. First day of Winter. And Ullr giveth: 15-25 CM of powder snow predicted for tomorrow.