Sometimes, things just don't work out between people. As friends, as coworkers, as more-than-friends.
Sometimes, it ends well; sometimes, it ends badly. There is, however, in many cases the uncomfortable feeling of being in limbo until Closure (capital C) is attained. Sometimes, I realize, Closure never occurs. This has yet to occur for me, but I realize that it's just a fact of life. Although, usually Closure leads to new beginnings: peace of mind, a new outlook on yourself or a situation, new beginnings with someone else, or friendship. I'm currently aiming for the last one. As The Fray would sing, Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.I want my friend back.
In my case, 15 feet separates us in our daily lives. If I really wanted to, I could spy into his kitchen. One would logically assume that such spaces forces and speeds up the closure process. I assure that it most certainly does not. It also does not make the much-loathed Limbo period very pleasant. There's just no hiding from it.
That rambling prologue of limited relevance being done, a thought:
Do you ever have those moments were you can intuitively know and understand what someone is thinking and feeling?
Today, as I was soaking up some sunshine, reading some travel memoirs, and revelling in a 3 day weekend having arrived, there he was. And, suddenly, when I wasn't thinking about the situation, my intuition finally decided, for the first time since I've been in the North, to activate. (Sidebar: Is it possible that when in a new location so far removed from what we consider home, and are accustomed to, our personality undergoes such a severe shakeup and readjustment that our intuition simply goes into hibernation? Or is it spring? Or finally having moved on and realized that it just ain't love? Or was it the fact that I was not thinking about it at all, and doing something that was just purely me, that I'd be found doing at the same time and day were I back home in the south? Sitting in the sun, reading travel lit and daydreaming perhaps allowed my intuition to return?). And I just suddenly knew what that person was feeling. I could feel it in the air, 15 feet away. I could see their feelings about this whole situation. I instinctively understood their perceptions, both for better and for worst. I cannot tell what they were thinking, and I'd be a liar to make any claims. I do, however, understand that closure will, in due time, come. And that it will have to be my iniative, when the time is right.
Ahhh, spring. Normally I have mixed feelings towards spring, more verging on sadness than spring fever. The sad feeling that ski season is melting (quite literally) away, for another 7-8 months. With a tinge of appreciation of green-ness, and of course spring skiing and wearing skirts.
What with James Bay lowlands being flat and devoid of any relief except the occasional tall snowdrift, I'm giddy that it's spring. I just spent 40 minute outside reading (Not Now, Voyager) and waiting (hoping! praying!) for the puppy to produce some byproducts (no luck. Perhaps if I squeeze him?).
The nights are still frigid, but the end of the deep freeze is nigh.
And, of course, with SPRING means 3 weeks off, for Goose Break. And a trip to Ouje-Bougoumou.
It's the winter Carnival here in Wask until Sunday. I just may participate in the town hot dog eating contest on Sunday. And yes, I'll make sure that someone captures the moment photographically.
I am, without out any shade of doubt, a carnivore. Any chances of the idea of eating an animal making me queasy were dispelled today. Upon hearing that there was a dead moose that had been trapped on the weekend being skinned in the Boys Cree Culture classroom, I immediately went to see it. For those of you who have never witnessed such a thing: you cut the hoofs off, peel the skin off, and have a bloody, tail-less moose with blood and guts showing, head still attached. Got a little bit of blood on my shoes, gave him a pat on his head, and then went to grab a bagel as a snack before the bell rang.
I was not as impressed with the 2-year old moose as I was with the 2 beavers 2 weeks ago (who still had their fur). If you own anything made of beaver fur (i do!), the fur trade suddenly makes a lot more sense. That, and beavers are frickin' cool looking animals up close. Giant. At least, the female was. The male was smaller. Which, as I was told, is apparently a beaver thing. Beaver boys like babies with back.
My students decided to invite themselves to my wedding (ha! me? riiight), and have decided I should have my honeymoon in the bush. I tried to explain that single people don't get married, but, alas... a goose feast my honeymoon shall be, apparently.
And then the school caught fire 4th period.
Don't worry, we still had math 6th period.
1. Grocery stores. Particularly Loblaws and IGA and Hannaford. 2. Spring skiing. That wonderful feeling of warm air at the bottom meeting you 2/3rds down, and the subsequent goggle tan. 3. Driving. Especially with the windows down and the volume up. Haven't been behind the wheel of a car sine Jan 3rd. 4. Mobility. Being able to see more than the same 5 km2 over and over for 3 months. 5. Fields. 6. Mountains. Hills. 7. Pavement 8. Choice. 9. Wine 10. Late nights out 11. Animals other than dogs 12. Garbage free streets 13. Thai food 14. Tofu
I've decided to start a 2nd blog, on relationships. Or rather mis-relationships.
God only knows I have more than enough material to work with.
Look for it, coming soon.
After a tantalizing apercu of spring weather for the past week, Winter came back on the first day of Spring. The kids up here tend to laugh when I tell them it's spring; it's just a day on a calendar, up here, what with spring arriving "late April to mid-May". Apparently last year, spring sprung late March (I have pictures of skiing at Bromont mid-March where there was no natural snow left.) This year, it seems, will not be such a fortunate climatic anomaly.
I do enjoy the longer days; the sun sets much later in the North; the sun already only sets at 8 PM. I'm rather excited for March, and particulary the solstice June 21st, as I'll have sunlight to 10:30-11 at night. Reminiscint of June 2006 in England. Ahh, London. Summer 2012, please DO hurry.
Chapters order, sent.
Ordered some travel lit, as I'm planning to go a tiny bit Kerouac across Canada this summer, living on the Greyhound system for a month.
I am aware, dear readers, that I haven't done a proper update (pics and one-line updates aside) in quite some time. Rest assured, there are some recent events and notes on stuff I have been meaning to write about saved in my Drafts folder, and I intend to get to that this weekend (I have a significantly large amount of last-minute work due for my online course this weekend, so this blog will provide the perfect outlet for my procrastination needs, you see).
I had a stomache flu from hell virus, that took a solid week to get over. And now, it's end of term, so I haven't gotten around to turning those drafts into entries. I will this weekend, promised!!
I'm on a mission to 1-clear the rest of my imminent debts 2-restore my car to a point it will last until xmas 3-get a teaching job for next year... in order to go to the Yukon and Alaska in July. The Northern Lights and I have gotten rather well acquainted from my balcony lately. Now, it's time to meet the Midnight Sun.
You are called upon to be a loving master of emotional integrity with your future romantic partner.
The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself with regard to possible intimacy in your life.
The Queen of Cups is the archetype of loving-kindness. Therefore, she is imbued with a vital concern for the well being of others, including romantic partners. This is a good thing to develop and practice. At the same time, make sure you don't get carried away and lose track of what is healthy and sensible for yourself. Like a mother, the Queen of Cups is accepting and nurturing, with a natural capacity for bonding.
The vulnerability of openness and empathy are important qualities sorely lacking in today's world. Learn to develop these capacities in yourself, but avoid codependency. Love is ultimately about dissolving boundaries, but not at your personal expense. Feelings of emptiness will do you no good. Know your boundaries and make sure you are not being taken advantage of or relied upon too heavily by your next romantic companion. Express loving kindness, but don't let an intense concern for the welfare of others compromise your own well being.
King of Swords
in the "Situation" Position
There is one who can provide vision and leadership. Take heed and learn to conduct yourself with greater integrity.
The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time.
The King of Swords is in this position points to someone in your environment who exhibits wisdom and strong principles. Whether it is another person or some higher part of your own knowing, you and the person you would like to be involved with are being directed here to defer to a source of profound knowledge. This third entity could be a wise elder or counselor, one who is able to be clear and levelheaded -- even in emotionally charged situations.
This King of Swords impresses both of you enough that you are willing to trust his integrity, accept his direction, and embrace his wisdom. It may feel like a risk to entrust yourselves to a more cosmic point of view that you are not entirely familiar with. It is a risk you must take, however, because this king represents qualities you may need to develop in your forthcoming relationship(s). Seek out such a king and utilize new insights to re-evaluate mutual goals. By looking at a potential relationship through the lens of the King of Swords, your relationship will establish a stronger foundation rooted in timeless wisdom.
Five of Cups
in the "Challenges" Position
Make the best of what remains after adversity has set you back.
The card that lands in the Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones.
When the Five of Cups is in this position, maximize what is left after possible loss. The receiver of this card may have received copious potential in the five cups shown, but three of them have been upended and their contents spilled into the earth. Whether it was carelessness or destiny that spilled these cups isn't ultimately important. What matters now is that the two full cups be tended and utilized as intelligently as possible. Resources may be built up and the core value of what was passed on in a relationship can be cultivated again.
You may have this opportunity to make the best of what is left to you after a tumultuous upset. If you sink into depression about what is lost, you may get nowhere. Focus on the value that still remains, and make the best of it as optimistically as possible.
Before anyone points it out: I know that February is, indeed, shorter than its counterparts. 2-3 days shorter, in fact. That disclaimer out of the way, I am pleased to report that amidst all the workworkwork overload, floor hockey bruises, pottery creations, love-related breakdowns, drama, and picking up puppy poop... February went by significantly faster than January, which felt like it was triple its length (93 days, indeed).
So, it's March now. Meaning: less than 4 months left of this year in the North, adventures, learning experiences, heartbreak, etc and all. I'll be home in 6 weeks ish for a 3 week break (I say ish as the exact date depends upon the arrival of the Geese. True story. I capitalized Geese, as they are now very important to me; their arrival in a timely fashion guarantees me a last few days of spring skiing and goggle tanning back home. Dear geese, please be punctual and don't dilly-dally. Dear Southern Quebec friends: please contact me immediately upon sightings of V's of geese heading towards me.)
Winter is a bit more lively up here than the fall period. Hockey tournaments, campfires, snowshoeing, Aashuumiih.... Winter Carnival is sometime mid-Month as well. Guaranteeing that next thing you know, I'll be dedicating a post to the 1st day of my birth month.
I've started clicking around the net, in search (hopes) of job offers in the Montreal, Townships, Laurentians, Ottawa, and upstate Vermont regions, for August. It still doesn't seem important, or real, that I'm actually already planning the post-North life (I do qualify for unemployment at the end of my contract June 29th, so I am debating a nice, relaxed summer if possible). It feels a little odd, taking myself only into account in these plans. If you rewind to my initial reason last fall for deciding to extend 4 months to 10, and get on the tipsy-turvy tiny plane back here in January... and the source of that great feeling of happy, goofy-smiled optimism I was feeling at midnight on New Year's Eve... I do have some.. regret tinging my summer/next year plans. I really didn't think I'd be alone; I thought the SomeOne I still have feelings for would be a part of the post-North life. Now I'm realizing: they will fade to someone I send the occasional MSN message to, as of June. Which kills me, if I dwindle on that thought. So, I don't. Or at least, I try not to.
Thoughts that elicit happier feelings: a summer off, not scraping by on minimum wage looking after spoiled brat coworkers. No night shifts, no early morning wake ups. No manual labour. All the time in the world to sip iced coffees, sit lakeside, rollerblade, enjoy terrasses, enjoy rollercoasters, play tennis, and....catch up with everyone I won't have seen (with the exception of some days here and there sprinkled over 3 brief visits home during the 10 months) in nearly a year. A YEAR.
Should I not find a teaching job by Xmas, I might come back up to the North lands, or head overseas (Korea, perhaps), come January 2012. But that is way too far in the future. For now, the question remains: what am I going to teach in French 3rd Language class tomorrow?
