The Adventures of Living Alone, Part 1: Sam versus Washer/Dryer

Posted by S. , Monday, January 10, 2011 10:00 PM

Step 1: Finally decide that it's time to start the 3-4 loads of laundry just begging for attention. Teaching in the nude is frowned upon up North, you see.

Step 2: Realize that washer will not turn on. Pull washer away from wall (approximate time required: 8 minutes. Approximate weight of 1970s washing machine: 8 tonnes, give or take 1 elephant).

Step 3: Fiddle with wires, and hookups, and widgets and gadgets. Try to feel like you have some semblance of an idea what all of said widgets do.

Step 4: Contortionist/trapeze act to get out from behind washing machine. Put washing machine in its rightful place. Clean floor from brown goo that has appeared during above steps.

Step 5: Fiddle with buttons. Oh, it works! Success. Or so one would think.

Step 6: Laundry complete. Remove, insert into dryer.

Step 7: Press GO button on dryer. There will be no public nudity or smelliness tomorrow!

Step 8: Halt victory celebrations and festivities. Dryer doesn't want to work.

Step 9: Yank dryer off of wall. Oooh, delightfully lighter than washer.

Step 10: Realize thingees cannot be accessed without moving 8 pound washing machine. Repeat Step 2.

Step 10: Realize during the washing machine battle, metal shiny thingamabob came unhooked. Re-hook it.

Step 11: Realize that the shifting of the washing machine and dryer has subsequently trapped me behind them.

Step 12: Take 5 minutes attempting to squeeze through and jimmy machinery.

Step 13: Attempt to crawl over. Failure.

Step 14: Jump. Success!

Things learned in 24 hours: washing machines from the rock ages are heavy.

Also learned: citronnella candles are apparently only for outdoor use. I am not a mosquito.